Dearest
Hannah,
Day
26 of writing to you and I am at a point where I am unsure what the future of
these letters will be but I am writing this nonetheless.
Last
night we spoke about these letters and what I actually write in them. For me,
they are a constant companion along each day of our relationship and a daily
input that keeps track of our daily lives and growing relationship, something
to look back on and reflect at how much we have changes and yet to see the
strength of our relationship. It is also another way for me to connect with you
each day.
When
I first started writing these letters to you it was from a place of difficulty
where you had thrown yourself into everything and I was still trying to find a
way to adapt to routine and life without you.
I
said:
“I
just don’t think it is healthy for us as a couple, for you to worry about me or
for me in general. Instead, I want to continue to support the things you do,
how much you are progressing socially and mentally in a role that you need. I
want to be by your side whilst you cherish your friendships and I want to be
the person in your thoughts that you want to ring, message and chat to about
your day however hard that I may find it.
I
thought by writing to you each day that it would be a productive use of my time
when my heart literally aches for you and pulls a sickness in my chest that at
times is unbearable. Doing something like this is just a more positive way of
coping.”
Writing
each day has done that. I have found a special place in my day to sit down for
thirty minutes and dedicate it to you, our day and our relationship.
However,
something that has come up is the way I write things. I know I can be a bit
rubbish and blunt when there may be a place for more care but that isn’t always
the way my brain works. You, my love, know more than anyone that I never say
anything with subtle hints or implications; I literally say exactly what I
meant but sometimes that can still hurt even if it is the truth.
The
written word is so tricky and horrid that it can miss the contextual tone that
goes with it and when you are as forthcoming and blunt as I am that can come
across rude and hurtful and that is is never my intention.
I
love you. I love the whole you and always have and will. We are so connected
but at the same time we work differently and sometimes that can cause
complications and misunderstanding and that is the risk we take when we are in
a relationship that is separated by distance.
What
has seemed to be the case in this last week’s letters is that I have written
and you have read and I have hurt your feelings. I am so fiercely protective of
you that I don’t want anyone to hurt you. I don’t care if they are family,
loved ones or friends; all I want is you to have the love and respect that yo
deserve. So to know that I have done that is heart-breaking.
I
went over our letters and I could see exactly what you were saying and I read
them as someone who wouldn’t know exactly what we are like and quite frankly I
hated them and me. It was like I was trying to manipulate and guilt trip you at
every turn; a reflection of someone I don’t want to be but have been labelled
before.
Due
to this we spoke for a long time that maybe the best thing is to not write
these anymore. It made sense that I stopped because there was no way that I
wanted to write something and you not want to read because you didn’t want to
ride the next guilt train; especially if you have had a particularly hard day.
Yet,
here I am and I am still writing. This still remains a place for me to come,
document and feel close to the woman I love in moments when I need to or feel
your absence; which is based on distance and not through malicious actions.
I
never want to hurt you. Ever. I love you and every word is to show you love,
what you mean to me, what I miss about you and how proud I am to be in a
relationship with a beautiful, strong and amazing woman.
Asides
from the above you have had an exceptionally hard 24 hours. Previously, you
have been dealing with the kids not feeling well and coming down with a cold.
It has meant moaning, whinging and hard parenting tricks coming out. However,
with tiredness beaten and just regular poorly life continuing A has turned on
yo and you have struggled.
He
has been rude, demanding, threatening and downright unreasonable and all aimed
at you.
By
the time we had spoken last night he had worn you down and still hadn’t settled.
We were on video chat by this time and you needed some support. Yet, as
expected A came down, with L, and more drama ensued. At this point I
intervened.
You
had already gone strict, set a clear firm foundation with how things would be
and to discipline took his Playstation and Kindle away and yet he continued.
He
luckily listened to me and went. I was pleased about this. I struggle sometimes
in the fact that I cant be with you and support as I would be able to in a
traditional local relationship but the fact that I could speak, intervene and
support you to the graces of technology made me feel like I was having a
positive supportive action.
This
morning he continued. Asked for the Kindle and arguing continued. Once again
you rung me and spoke and I tried to support you.
I
was and have been so angry at each stage at his sheer tenacity at his boldness
towards you.
After
you managed the school run we spoke again and went through options that you
could do to continue to disciple as we both thought that he thinks a simple
sorry for the sake of it and with the intention to gain what was once last
rather than a true apology was not enough. I think, together, we came up with a
plan of action and you felt stronger to carry on. Again, I was pleased to
support you that way.
Today
has been my busy day and although we had two phone calls this morning we haven’t
actually messaged much. Today has been based around me moving and driving
places so I have tried my hardest to keep contact in whatever sense that I
could. I phoned you after shopping, messaged when I arrived at the park, rung
you again after the park and conker collecting and then messaged when I was
home. I don’t write this to show what I have done in comparison but to show
that I have tried to support you in a day when you have felt drained, tired and
less than motivated to do more than stay in your bed.
I
couldn’t just let you have a day like that and me be dashing about. Need to support and that is what I hope I
have done.
The
boys are still here and I am about to take them home but I have told you that I
am free tonight to support you and will do exactly that.
I
really hope that I don’t need to but feel pleased that I can in whatever way we
can.
Today’s
letter has been wrapped in a lot of negativity so I wanted to end on some good.
God
has continued to speak to us both through our evening bible readings and does
so that is apt to our situation and feelings and I am so incredibly comforted
and thankful by that fact.
I
have had a good day with my boys which feel like it has been a long time
coming.
I
have also managed to invoice the company that I have put off for almost two
weeks.
I
have also managed to go to the shop and get frames to match my beautiful
drawing. Something I know will please you as you are always so supportive of
the with me; it is after all part of God’s future plan for us.
I
love you massively and I still can’t wait to see you in the next couple of
weeks. You are my person and other half and I will continue to count down my 9
sleeps until I see you.
I
don’t care that these letters won’t be read anymore. I love you and these will
always be waiting for you.
Love you,
Martyn
