Dearest Hannah,
Day
21 of writing to you and I am still going strong after 3 weeks.
I
was grieved by your recently letter but I understand why.
It
is a horrible thing for a person to be so far from their partner, their person
and their love when that person is struggling. I often feel it with you when
you struggle, have bouts of wild anxiety or when you are poorly. You want to be
with them, look after them and do the little things like make them a drink and
a cuddle and know that, even if it is a small act with little fruitfulness, you
are there for them.
I
do worry though about the impact that I am having on you. We have such a wonderful
and open relationship that we don’t hide anything from one another; good or bad
we are just us. It is freeing, it is a firm foundation built on honesty and
trust and we know that whatever the situation, good or bad, that the other one
is beside us.
The
downside is that on the harder days, the struggling days and the days where the
respite is only gained with something as small as a holding of a hand that we
can impact massively on each other.
This
is how I feel at the moment. You have so much good going on. You really do. I
can see it and beam with happiness, praise and be proud in what is happening
whilst knowing that God is working in you and for you and, ultimately, for us
in the future.
I
see this and I am happy. Yet, I feel like I should hold back sometimes on what
is happening to me as I know how my woes can impact you and take the shine off
the good you are having. Today is a prime example. We chatted, we spoke
honestly and you could see through my voice, words and then face via video chat
at how drained, tired and just fed up I am. You are like a sponge and you feel
my pain and upset and absorb it in. I know this is something that we both do,
that any partner to their loved one would do but I don’t want you to do that.
I
don’t want you then hiding the good because you don’t want to keep sharing the
good when you know that I am struggling. I don’t want you, as discussed last
night, to think I am resentful for the good in your life. I want that good, I have
prayed for that good and that good is something I want to share and enjoy with
you; not sat feeling gloomy and upset and feeling a distance between each other
where we hide stuff for the sake of the other.
You
said in your letter that your faith has and is wavering. You haven’t had the
most consistent relationship with God despite still seeking Him. Yet, after
meeting me your faith has come back stronger, you are having moments of love,
mercy and grace and you can feel Him with you. This makes me happy. He is
working and wants to carry on working with you. Please don’t take what happens
to me as an impacting action to your relationship with Him.
Would
you take it out on A or Midge and snap and shout if I was having a bad day? No,
of course you wouldn’t. Your relationship with your children and even your
family is dependent on the fact that I am having a good day or not. You would
see that it isn’t their fault and give them some grace and you need to do the
same with God. See that this isn’t His fault, take a deep breath and carry on
that good relationship.
The
thing is that I know you question how you can love an almighty loving father
when you see someone you love struggling. It is difficult. Yet, you wouldn’t let
it change the relationship with your children so why let it change the
relationship with Him? Yes, I know He has more power to have a positive impact
than say your kids would but that doesn’t mean He has to!
You
said in your letter that you look up and ask why and you hear loud and clear
the word “Why not!” and I know that is disheartening and upsetting but you are
hearing and communicating with Him and you have to build that acceptance and
relationship with Him within that. The easiest thing to do is act like a
petulant child and stamp your feet and ask why but how far would that get A if
he did that to you? Your judgement as an adult and the responsible adult to A
means that you sometimes have a greater understanding long term to why his
demands is answered with a no. He may want his 4th packet of crisps
in a day but you would say no because you know it is unhealthy and not suitable
long term. Who is in the right or wrong in that situation, you or A? What about
when you do it with God? We just don’t know what He knows.
One
of my all-time favourite poems is by Tennyson the Charge of the light Brigade.
The words in there do represent how I feel in this situation:
'Forward, the
Light Brigade!', Was there a man dismay'd ? Not tho' the soldier knew, Someone
had blunder'd: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but
to do & die, Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.
Cannon to
right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon behind them, Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell, While horse & hero fell, They that had
fought so well Came thro' the jaws of Death, Back from the mouth of Hell, All
that was left of them, Left of six hundred.
When can
their glory fade? O the wild charge they made! All the world wonder'd, Honour
the charge they made! Honour the Light Brigade, Noble six hundred!
There
are cannons firing all around me. There are shots being fired and some that are
hitting and yet I am charged with the fact that I wouldn’t get more than I can
handle. I have to soldier on, seek Him, find the refuge within His arms and
come through the jaws of trouble and tribulation and see the glory that is
there to behold.
I
used to pray night and day for God to send me someone like you. I searched; I tried
relationships even when they didn’t feel right and God given and pushed through
6 long years of feeling alone and there you are. You, the most perfect and
loving, supportive and kind and a connection like no other. I am thankful for
that blessing to come upon me through my battle and I have to believe that is
the case here.
It
is okay for you to feel disheartened, upset and angry with God but don’t let it
taint you. There is a time for everything for both you and I; a time of good
and bad and a varied range of feelings.
Please
read Ecclesiastes 3 v 1 – 22. You know I love a good bit of Ecclesiastes but it
lays it all out there. Yes, my life is stressful and upsetting at the moment
but I have to still have faith that there will be a new time and I will be
rewarded for being the soldier in the war.
You
my love are amazing and I love you with my whole heart. I miss you deeply and
love you more than the amount I miss you. You were given to me and we do have
the beautiful future together; even if I don’t necessarily feel it until the time
comes. You are the best partner that anyone could ask for.
My
best friend, my lover and my one true love.
Love you,
Martyn
