Dearest
Hannah,
We are now on
day six and going strong. This is now something that I look forward to doing
daily; it is as best place as any to document us, where we are and my love for
you and know that you will understand and love me whatever.
I am pleased
that you have been getting in to the flow of writing yours too. I loved finding
out that you wrote one last night for me; it made me have such a massive smile.
Last night
was funny. It was the first time you have seen dosed up on medication and
drugs. We did our normal TV phone chat and watched Eastenders and then headed
to bed. We were both so tired that I didn’t expect to stay on the phone or
video chat for too long so had the bright idea to take my meds before we called.
Everything was going fine until about an hour and half in when the meds started
hitting me. You suddenly saw how tired and drained I looked and the last thing I
remember you saying was that very thing. A little after, I woke startled, knew
I had been chatting to you but you weren’t on the phone. I assumed then that my
meds had kicked in and I had passed out! Luckily you were still awake when I
messaged you to check and potentially apologise; luckily for me we had said a
goodnight and goodbye and I went to sleep! Not that I remember doing so!
We have joked
about it happening so I am kind of relieved that it finally did.
Today I have
been busy again. I taught piano this morning which was lovely as he did really
well and progressed. Then came home and sorted the craft stuff for the Roald
Dahl day tomorrow. I haven’t been feeling my best though and think that I may
be fighting off some virus too! I am lucky though and know it won’t last long.
I have also
started drawing properly again. This is down to you! It came out of our
intensity last week and I know there is a possibility of something more coming
from it but it was nice sitting and drawing; knowing that you are interested
and supportive of each stage of development. You really do bring out the best
in me.
You on the other
hand have really been hit with it. I think you have really been hit with
missing me today too; or at least more than you have previously.
I am not
totally sure why. It could be that you’re not well and needing some comfort and
back up from your person. Or, it could be that we had that intense week and
after that had some really good days. We have laughed loads, been silly and it
is clear that our connection and relationship has been growing stronger. An
alternative is that we worked out that I am coming next week and now the sudden
closeness of having me there has empathised the distance more in the meantime.
Finally, it could just be all of the above hitting you at once.
I am, as
always, deeply missing you too. There hasn’t been a day since we parted at the summer
where my heart hasn’t literally ached and pulled on me where I am longing just
for you to be with me again; for me to hold you close, hold your hand, squeeze
you closer and for my lips to touch yours.
The love you
have and continue to show me is something that I never thought I would have,
especially the older I have become. I know my past demons often haunt me and I don’t
always realise it at times but I do know and see it deep down. The thing is
that you are breaking those heavy black clouds around me apart and I am seeing
and believing more of the sunshine you bring to my life and to me personally.
There is so
much that I love about you. You actually see me for me. See who I am and what I
can be. You see my potential and push all the negative things that I have cognitively
been taught away.
Then there is
our connection. I have never had this with anyone before. We connect and just
literally become one. I am, like you are, often surprised that we do it but it
makes me believe that God has brought my perfect person into my life and
blessed our union. Again, something I haven’t believed to be true before. You
really are the other half of me and we fit so perfectly together.
One of my
favourite lines in the bible is from Ecclesiastes 4:12
“Someone may overpower one alone, but two together
can take a stand against him. And a threefold cord cannot easily be torn apart”
We are a twofold
cord, interlinked, who can fight anything off together but that extra
connection, that extra thing that we have, must be our God gift and blessing.
It is the only explanation for me. I still stand by the fact that you were the
one spoken about, that we are blessed by Him and with that we cannot be torn
apart easily.
Tomorrow you
are back in the shop. I know at this moment in time is a mixed feeling. You are
feeling low and not on top form so a day to hibernate will be strong but I know
it will do you some good to go and do it. It will fly by and bring you added
strength and confidence and will help push you throw another day until we are together
again. Just remember that you are strong but you have nothing to prove being
superwoman. Enjoy the fact that you are doing something that you never thought
you would do and alongside that I will be around one way or another to support
you in it.
I will be
speaking to you in a little bit to watch Eastenders and Bake Off so I will sign
off here but for now know this, I love you my Queen with all of my heart!
Love you,
Martyn