Dearest Hannah
Day 29 of writing to you and I have almost
made a month! Woop!
Today has
been a weird one for us both I think.
You have been
low and still fighting off the cold thing you have going on and within that you
were hit with the idea that the kids may be unhappy when they move here at
school and worst that they may be bullied.
I know this
is one of your biggest fears and I know I probably didn’t help with you by
talking about it all this morning.
I know you don’t
want this to happen and I know that you don’t want a repeat of what you have
gone through. Who would want that for their kids? It has lead you in a lot of
worry and self doubt today and I think, and know after speaking to you, that it
has made you question if you are doing the right thing by moving here.
I knew this
was going through your head and I hated that you were thinking that. I know you
didn’t want to say it to me but of course that made me worry more. I was thinking
all kinds of silly things like “what if that thought gets so big and this is
it?” or “What if the reason for her not saying it to me means that it’s a lot
bigger than she is saying, shit, is this it?” and even “How am I meant to really
know what she means when she says its over. Should I believe her or just ride
it out until it changes like she said I may have to do?”
I never know.
I get where it came from and think anyone in your position would feel the same
but I did and do worry.
I know I
spoke about all the what ifs and why it would be ok and I know you know that I
am right but I know that didn’t stop or change the way you felt about it.
You have
since then replied and you seem fine with it all. Which is a blessing to my
ears.
I will say
though that you are not the only one with worries and fears about all of this.
I am terrified of so much with it all and not just the idea that you may not do
it and you change your mind.
It is silly
but I try to think that worrying stuff is what makes us work towards having
something better.
I have had a
hard day, Physically am feeling drained. The boys have had their good and bad
parts but the bad parts have been really hard. Tehn my own mental health and
dpd have been playing up. Which is probably why I was a little sensitive over
your feelings too. Not that it was caused by that. In fact, I have no idea what
has called it but quite frankly I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and hide.
I haven’t
gone to church tonight for that reason because all I have wanted to do is hide
away from people and just watch our tv and chat. T is all that have pushed me
through the day.
I know I should
be joyous that I see you in 6 sleeps. And I am. But to be honest, I just want
to be with you now.
Love you,
Martyn
