Dearest
Hannah
Day 32 of
writing to you and I am not sure, once again, on this letter or where it will
lead. We will soon find out!
We spoke last
night and you seemed so tired, drained, fed up and, what appeared at the time,
as not bothered; even by talking to me.
We did speak
about that and although I did recognise the other aspects I was wrong about the
latter. You spoke about your time with A and how it is doing all of the
previous things that I listed. You did look so drained and I tried really hard
to reassure you and support you; despite me feeling that I wasn’t doing much
more than being a voice on the phone.
This morning
I was so saddened to wake up to a message of how the night had gone. A had
woken you up at 4am and the poor behaviour was instant and intense and once
again based on him wanting his Kindle.
You caved and
went and grabbed his Kindle and let him leave you alone. I know you thought I
would be disappointed but I really wasn’t. I was cross with A; he just believes
that it is endless and relentless badgering will get him what he wants and does
it to just break you.
Being a
single parent I totally understand it; it is so tiring and draining battling the
same everlasting circle. So I don’t blame you, I do understand and I am not disappointed
in you at all.
All I was
concerned about the moment that I read the message was how you felt and to make
sure you were ok.
When we did
speak you seemed okay actually apart from tiredness. I, however, was still
reeling from anger at A and sadness for you.
I did manage
to grab A on a video chat and the moment I started talking to him about it and
saw a slight smirk of happiness that he was more concerned at playing his
kindle the angrier I got. As you know, I did lay into him and I have told him
that, whatever happens, on Thursday when I am down I am taking the kindle from
him.
He obviously didn’t
take this too well although better than I expected.
We then
messed around on video chat and I tried to make you happy and to make you
laugh; I thought that it worked and I hoped that you did!
I went to
church and, as you know, I thought it was very relevant to what has been going
on with you. I do love how God can find ways to relate, comfort and talk to us.
I was meant
to be at Lisa’s at 1pm but I did really want to talk to you. I wanted to find
out how things were going, I wanted to make sure you, as well as the kids, were
ok at there wasn’t any problems or backlash from the morning; which there didn’t
seem like there was. I was also really keen to tell you about the talk and how
it relates to us. I found much comfort in it but I wasn’t, and still not
totally, convinced that you did. I do hope that it has a little at least.
We then left
Lisa’s and once again I wanted to check in with you. We did have a chat about
many different things but the end of the conversation wasn’t exactly happy and
loving; despite us both saying “I love you”.
It was just
us talking about Christmas and the plans that we have around then. There was a
tad reshuffle due to your friends getting married. I wasn’t and am still not
trying to stop you for going to the wedding but I felt that was what you
thought my thoughts were like. I love you, love that you are being included in
planning and attending the wedding; I would NEVER change that!
I am of
course a little disappointed that it might mean that I can’t attend due to the
arrangements with the boys. I really hope that I can and I am not going to know
until I sort out the days with the boys mum. I am also disappointed that, if
that is the case, we might not spend as much time together that I would have
hoped for. All I was trying to say was “I am disappointed, I want to try and
see if we can figure a way around it, and maybe Martyn the shit out of it so we
could still see each other more”. I don’t know why, if it was just
disappointment on both sides and my inability to talk sensibly as an adult but
we both ended up snapping. I am so sorry about this. I really am. I was trying
to find a way around it so we don’t actually miss any time with each other,
whatever the cost financially, physically or mentally, and you were disappointed
and just accepted that it could happen and there was nothing we could do. I don’t
even know why it got to snapping point but I feel like I seriously upset you in
some way!
Apart from
being worried and trying to support you, as well as having James most of the
day, I have continued to battle with my dpd today; which, if I am adding it
right, is day 4 of it flaring and with no real reason that I can, yet, find for
it.
I am trying
to push through it all. I really am. Yet, I am still feeling low, worthless and
not particularly useful or helpful.
Take this
morning with A. I am seriously second guessing what I have done. I mean, you didn’t
ask me to intervene and I kind of told you that I would. I was quite cross and
firm. After I finished talking to him you had a look on your face which wasn’t really
an ideal look of “Thanks for that Babe” but more of a “That was a bit harsh”.
Although I am acting the same way as I would with my boys doesn’t mean that it
is the right thing for A or even the way that is best and something you would
think is ok.
I see every
action at the moment as something that is wrong or that I am not doing anything
right in any of my actions; especially when it comes to you and me, the kids,
joint parenting and the time we spending together. The fact that I said I would
take your stuff back Sunday night when I come home even feels wrong because you
dismissed it, despite saying it was good, with the fact that you already have
stuff here so probably wouldn’t need anything anyway. I am sure that it is all
based on my sensitivity factor that I am talking about but I really just feel
like everything I do is wrong.
I love you so
so much. You really do mean the world to me. You are my best friend as well as
my partner. I can see that we have an amazing future together. I really want
that. Everything about you makes me happy and all I want to do is be the man
that you deserve. I don’t want to do anything that ever upsets you, makes you
cross or disappointed in me. I really do hope I can be the person you need as
well as you deserve.
4 more sleeps
and I will be with you. I really can’t wait!
Love you,
Martyn
