Dearest Hannah
Well it is technically day 37 still so I can't really say to you that you have a new letter from the day. Yet, I have sat here for a while and felt the need to write to you. It is currently 01.16am and I have stayed awake so I could keep an eye on A.
By the time we were all settled for bed he had been up and down mood and activity wise but his chesty cough and wheeze were still pretty active.
It didn't take him too long to actually fall asleep though! Once asleep his breathing, although regular, was deep and ended with a little wheeze.
Something quite miraculous happened though. I was praying for him and whilst I was doing so his breathing went back to normal. We then prayed together and asked for the wheeze at the end of his breath to go. And, admittedly, a coughing session he started to breathe normally.
Shortly after I ordered you to go to sleep. I think you have tried but equally haven't.
Up to this point, apart from 15 ish minutes around 11.45pm, his breathing has been perfectly normal. The only thing A has done is be his normal self. He has kicked, thrashed and rocked but that is his normal sleeping self. Each time he has you have been there and corrected or supported him; hence me thinking that you haven't been fully asleep!
Anyway, I have stayed awake and whilst I have it got me thinking; I don't think you should come to mine Tuesday.
That might sound silly but it does have sense behind it. You said earlier to your mum that you have no idea how you will be able to leave him anyway.
Coming to Kent, albeit for 3 days, isn't the same as being 30 minutes away and rushing to him. You will only worry when you're away and you don't know that he will be better by them anyway.
What if he's still wheezy? What if his chest is still bad? What would you do then? Cancel last minute Tuesday morning and stay at home? What if he's mildly wheezy and coughing but shown improvement? Still stay as a just in case? Or spend your entire time worrying? Let's face it, it isn't a good time now.
I know I said that he's improved but even thinking he has and continues to are you really going to go 300 miles away from him 3 days after he's been like this?
The only thing making you torn in this situation is me. Not the want for staying with A and looking after him; your worry is about "letting me down" and changing the plan.
Hence this letter. I am "letting you off" guilt free and saying don't come. You can cancel the school visits and explain why; they would all understand. You have another 8 months to visit them and plenty of opportunities to try again!
It isnt like you are not seeing me for a while either! I am after all coming down Friday to get you all. That's just 5 days. 5 days for you to make sure he's ok. 5 days for you to be happy and worry free. 5 days of you and I doing what we always do and 5 days of A beings secure that his mum is around.
It is perfectly fine and understandable. I love you very much and loving you means also loving your kids. You know this. They ALWAYS come first so don't feel torn.
I love you to the end of the known universe and more. You are my priority and I would do anything to make life easier and happier for you and this is exactly what I am doing.
Right, as he's been breathing normally now for almost 4 hours I am going to see if I can wake you and get permission to go to sleep.
Love you,
Martyn
