Dearest Hannah
Day 38 of writing to you and again I missed yesterday's letter. Don't worry this time though as I doubt you'll get a part two today! Today hasn't gone to plan for me despite you having a good day!
You woke up late but managed to get the kids to school, you managed to get Costa with your friends and was asked to be "Best Woman" for your friend which I know means a lot to you, you did exactly what you said you would and made sure you were busy in the shop, you've come and been productive by organising the house for when you are away and you have cleaned.
Today really has been a good day for you and I am happy about that! I really am, whatever you may be thinking! I never wish bad on you and always hope you have good days; in fact, I always pray for such!
I haven't had a good day at all and even whilst I write this I'm feeling beaten, withdrawn and really upset.
I had a horrible nightmare, which you now know and it hit me quite hard. It was one of those dreams that you don't even realise it was one as it was so real in every way.
Then when I woke certain things happened around it that made reality and dream seem even more real.
I just wanted to have a bit of security but through that I acted badly, and a lot of my actions and subsequent actions have been ruled by that.
I have no justification. Yes, I could tell you what my thought processes were like that lead me to be the way I was or why I said the things I did but it makes no difference. You have a very clear view and at the moment I'm lost in a high emotional state. What I do know is you are very clear with how you are dealing with it all and I am massively in the wrong; there's literally nothing I can say.
I never mean to start anything. I never mean to make you feel bad or to make you feel like I want certain emotions from you. I really don't. And I know you know that.
It's so hard to explain. Yet when my heads off it is off. Emotions are high and hurting. It's always such a strong feeling and it's so difficult to shift. None of that is a justification though but an explanations. Like now, you've said everything is okay now so why am I upset and teary and still worried about things? Or, That I feel like I've done the biggest wrong to you? To the point that I'm just beating myself up. I know it's my head and what's going on but it's also feeling so real.
I am sorry about everything and I do hope that it's all okay. I know you say if it was face to face it would have caused a big argument and I am sorry about that. I just hope seeing me face to face tomorrow is okay because of that.
Despite my letter the other day you are still at the moment coming tomorrow and apart from my days feelings and now my worry about face to face, I am looking forward to having you here again. I just need to have you with me at the moment.
I love you very much and I am so sorry.
Love you,
Martyn
