Dearest Hannah
Today is the
first letter, of what I hope is many, to you. Many years ago couples who were away from each would write a little letter to keep each other in their minds and hearts, just like Napoleon and Josephine. I, as you know, am a little rubbish with the snail mail but I know I can do it this way.
It has been 7 days since we parted and headed back to our long distance relationship and I will have to admit that I am finding it hard.
You know this
though. You have been patiently listening to me over the last couple of days
knowing how hard I have found this gap between us. You have gone back to
your routine of school runs, parenting, friendships and volunteering; all of
which I am so proud of you for and even more impressed with how you have thrown
yourself into it all like a duck to water.
I have done the
same here, thrown myself into my writing again, thrown myself into parenting
and thrown myself into education. To top it off I have continued to upkeep my
responsibilities online and attend my social activities and yet my heart still
longs to have you close.
I, of course,
miss the days gone by where we could chat regularly throughout the day and we
were both in that sweet honeymoon period. I miss that as much as I do the
summer we have spent together being by each other’s side. These last 5 months
have allowed us to grow together and I know that I love you as much as you love
me and we do have that happy future together that we have planned. Yet, I still
obviously miss you and feel the distance.
You, my love,
mean the world to me. I am caught in the day missing your voice and hearing what
you have been doing, the things that make you laugh and the things that make
you worried. We are, after all, the other person in each other’s lives.
Yesterday was
the hardest day that I have had for a long time and would have done anything to
have you coming home from work to me but I have made a promise that I won’t
have another day like that again. I just don’t think it is healthy for us as a
couple, for you to worry about me or for me in general. Instead, I want to
continue to support the things you do, how much you are progressing socially
and mentally in a role that you need. I want to be by your side whilst you
cherish your friendships and I want to be the person in your thoughts that you
want to ring, message and chat to about your day however hard that I may find
it.
I thought by
writing to you each day that it would be a productive use of my time when my
heart literally aches for you and pulls a sickness in my chest that at times is
unbearable. Doing something like this is just a more positive way of coping.
So what have I
done today?
Today I have
sought out my friendships and communicated with them about various different
things. I have laughed, joked and enjoyed some silly things. I created
little detailed cards for our lesson in literacy and then spent the morning
organising books to match the cards. I have played with my children and we too
have had a joke around; we have even sat and watched Superman together and
revelled in our comic book geekiness.
I have even had
2 little calls from you. You rang me after the school run where you were a
little down and missing me but it didn’t take you long to pick up and focus on
what you needed to do. The second call you laughed about some of the funny
things that happened to you at work and told me about your achievements. I am
so proud of you for doing this. You have so much strength each day to get up,
go to do something that is out of your comfort zone and yet still enjoy and
thrive in it!
Despite these
great highlights I have still missed your voice over my shoulder. I have missed
the way you run your hand against my back when you walk behind me and I am
standing by the kettle. Finally, I have missed the comfort of the fit where our
fingers are entwined.
I am out
tonight to see my friends. I know you are looking forward to me doing this and
you want me to leave you behind and ignore my phone. I will try. I get why you
want me to do that and I can see how it would benefit me but there is an aspect
that makes me not want to; it feels like leaving you behind is an action to
pull us apart but I will try.
What I do know
is that I am already longing for our evening phone call when I get back and I
can hear what you have been doing.
You are and continue
to be my other half, my person and most importantly, my love.
Love you
Martyn