Dearest
Hannah
So we are on
day five now of your letters and I am still loving sitting down and writing to
you. I do, however, have a feeling that this will get a bit tedious at some
point. No idea when that will be but just have a feeling that it might happen.
I like it still though; I see this more as a journal of us, to you and for us,
in the future. What I am aware of though is that life is busy, children are
hectic and this could be something that may get neglected and then used to “catch
up” with; that is fine as I still get my kicks out of it.
I do love
that you look forward to reading these though and that you too have continued
writing one for me.
Today, like many
before, has been a busy one or at least it has felt like that. I think though
that there are a lot of valid reasons to why it would have been. Although, I say
this, and realise that we spoke for almost 2 hours a little while so we couldn’t
have been that busy!
We had, yet
again, another late night and I think that is seriously taking its toll on us! I
didn’t get to sleep until way after our chat again and then I was up early with
the boys. You had similar issues because Midge was up being sick and the A woke
up with the on-going sickness drama and just like Bagpuss, when A wakes up then
everyone wakes up!
The thing is,
as mentioned in yesterday’s letter, that we have changed our dynamic slightly
and it has come naturally and with nothing but love and humour but we have gone
from one thing to another and instead of progressing to just one we do both. I
just think sometimes we need a better judgement call and go “It is already
late, shall we just chat and try to get an early night?” which is hard for both
of us when we are doing something we love.
We both also
had that busy morning. You had sickness with Midge and then Jobcentre, having a
slightly awkward train ride with your ex and then back to Midge and your mum. I
was running late due to oversleeping and was running an hour behind from doing
a rush morning and it just didn’t flow into our home ed day. The boys, on top
of that, were both playing up and clashing so it made it even harder.
Despite our
lateness, lack of sleeping and busy morning I would say that last night was
worth it. We were watching Master Chef and you had us both laughing really
loudly and to the point where I was crying. I know you will know now what it
was but I will describe it so we don’t forget!
It had
reached round two of the second show and the contestants were doing the “We
need to cook for a large number of people”. We turned into the chefs kitchen
and greeted by the head chef who, whilst standing quite firm trying to do a bad
ass pose, was wearing a really tall chef’s hat; so tall that you couldn’t see
the top of it. I just watched whilst you come out with “Tall hat wanker, who is
this guy!” I haven’t literally laughed so loudly and continued to do so. Yet,
the show made it worse! Every time they zoomed out to do a wide angle shot we
still couldn’t see the top. I haven’t laughed that loudly and hard in a long
time.
This stuff is
one of the many reasons why I love you. We can do something simple like watch a
show and have each other in stitches! Yet, from this, we had another connection
point where we, unknowingly, were both on twitter looking for gifs of tall hat
chefs to share with each other and we didn’t know until I managed to do it just
before you. This connection is so uncanny at times but it just shows how
perfect we are together!
We did have
some difficult information today though that, to be honest, had me really
worrying. You, as you sometimes do, took it and didn’t worry too much.
After
chatting to the boys mum we found out that admission to new schools wouldn’t be
as straightforward as we thought! Instead it could leave us with 4 children
being home educated. There were other options and possibilities but there is
that worst case scenario that we had discussed. I knew that you had said before
that the school placement is really important for you and with that you didn’t know
if you could move here next year if you didn’t have it in place. I went
straight to the worst case scenario and then worried that you would see this
and do two possible things; postpone the move for another year when
applications would be easier and better or, and to the extreme, think this couldn’t
work and we part ways.
I know how important
it is for you and that any decision that we have for our future will always
centre with them; any parent would be the same. I didn’t realise though how much
you would want our future to that extent and not worry. I assumed it would be a
deal breaker and despite the fact that you loved me you couldn’t do that for
the kids; again, something understandable that any parent would do.
You took the information
and took it in a positive way and it hasn’t changed our future. For this, I
love you and you have reminded me how wrong my fears and worries can be at
times. I know that the move thing may change though. I know you say it won’t
but it could, A has been hit with the upsetting thought now he has understood
the gravity of it more and Midge could potentially continue to have urges of
upset. This coupled with a lack of control with schooling could change things.
I believe that it probably won’t but you know me, I like to cover all
possibilities.
It has made
me realise though that I do have that tendency to underestimate the love that
you have for me. I know it was big and never doubted that you don’t love me but
of course never realised fully the pull you have for our future. I am sorry for
this. Yet, finding the good, I am pleased to have learned the lesson here!
I like that
you do that for me. Earlier we were discussing our relationship at each stage
and it really is something I like to reflect on. Every day you make me happy.
Every day you make me laugh and, finally, every day I fall more and more in
love with you. I love you so much and I look forward to, with eager
anticipation, the next day, month, year and future where I fall in love with
you more.
You mean so
much to me. Not just as my partner but as my other half, best friend and daily
companion. Or, as Del Boy would say “My significant other”.
Love you,
Martyn