Dearest
Hannah,
Day 10 and I
am still going strong writing these letters. What I love most today is that we
are now in double figures, I haven’t stopped or not had the motivation to write
to you and it is only 5 sleeps until I can actually be with you!
I feel
better; I know I had the two days of really being in a slump and missing you
and after reading and reflecting on yesterday’s letter I can see how heavily it
was laying on me.
It has been a
little easier today. I am not sure if it is the intensity of missing you or the
after effects of being in a depressed slump for two days but I still feel quite
heavy at times. Yet, I seem perkier and able to plod on through my day more
even if I am still panged by missing you.
Today has
felt really long. I didn’t get to sleep last night until way gone 2am. We had a
wonderful and joyful chat last night. The moment after writing your letter and
then chatting to you I did feel a little lifted. We spoke about God, the
different things you have learnt in the bible that you didn’t fully understand
before and we started to read Psalms together. I loved that. I like how you are
happy and feeling more willing to talk about your faith but within the discovery
of what you believe in that we are both on the same page. I know this is a big
thing for you and you don’t usually chat so openly to anyone or felt like you
could. I think this is God working within you and us. The connection with me,
my faith and knowing that I am not, what many would presume, a “standard”
Christian I think allows that comfort for you to talk freely without judgement;
something that I thank God for and am proud and happy for with you.
This does
sound like a nice chat but the real fun came later when we were discussing the
kids homework and I found a way to build a model cow for A. You then edited it
to say “Oven” but the arrow looked like a F so I was confused with Foven. From
that I corrected the picture and we somehow ended up in some defacing and yet
loving competition to mock each other by creating our own personal memes. It
was lovely to end the long and depressing day with fun and laughter.
This did
however mean that we stayed up quite late and does explain my late bedtime.
Sleep was okay for me but I really struggled to get up and go to work on around
four and a half hours sleep.
Work was
fine. Yet, the morning at Dad’s wasn’t! My family can be so obtuse and unkind
and I know that it is probably through their own emotional frustrations and yet
it still isn’t fair or nice to be on the receiving end.
I managed to
get my hair and beard cut and to do so without it majorly triggering my dpd.
You managed to be around for support and to chat after. Although I know you
worried I was annoyed with you as you went a long period with no contact. I was
fine and I do and did understand.
Again, you
were there later to chat and talk calmly to me when I received this reminder of
late information on speeding on the M25. I know that it isn’t the end of the
problem but with your help and the support of God my issue was resolved quickly
and I was back to being calm and tired.
This is you
though. You bring so much to my life. You can make me cry with laughter when we
naturally progress together in a funny conversation, you support me in my low
moods and in my low situations, you comfort me when I am upset and understand me
in all my different stages and somehow manage to grow together in things like
our faith.
I mentioned
last night on the phone that I haven’t had a relationship or even a connection
like this before. It is totally unchartered territory for me from now on which
is both exciting and terrifying!
Today feels
like a proper countdown now until I see you. I don’t know if this is due to the
fact that I know I will be busier tomorrow, Monday and Wednesday that the week
will flow more until that time or if it is solely to do with my attitude shift;
whatever it is I can’t wait to see you!
I haven’t been
able to do anything solely for you today. I know you don’t care and don’t expect
anything every day but I wish there was just something. I suppose the day is not
yet over and there may be an opportunity tonight but if not then know that I
love you with all of my heart. You mean the world to me and I am always
thankful for the fact that I have you, that you love me no matter what and we
just fit.
Love you,
Martyn