Dearest Hannah,
Day 19 and I
am back to writing to you from the comfort of my home and not yours.
I arrived
back late last night and you were wonderful and waited up knowing that I wanted
to speak to you and for us to do our normal prebed chat. I love that you waited
despite knowing that you were tired and had a busy day ahead.
Today has
been rubbish. I never expected today to be as bad as it has turned out; it is
only Monday too so I dread to think what the rest of the week will be like!
This morning
I woke up from a fairly good sleep for a change. I think the post sleep from
the rough ones on the blow up mattress had caught up on me. However, the fact
that I woke up in a jolly and positive mood that it quickly dropped and
changed.
I did what I
normally do and sat up, turned, placed my arms on the side stool and pushed to
stand. The first couple of times my feet weren’t gripping and I was sliding
back. The next times I couldn’t lock my knees into place to straighten. I had
the odd muscle twitches and fell into the stool chest first or it was my legs
that decided to twitch. The more and more I tried it the weaker my arms were
feeling which then made it harder to push up. I was in pain, tired and couldn’t
see a way to stand. The tears started coming as soon as the frustration became
too much.
You were
good. I told you what was going on as I promised I always would despite knowing
that you would worry. I don’t want to keep things from you but I hate that I
know you worry and feel helpless being so far away.
I always feel
torn. In that moment all I want to do is call you, talk to you and feel like my
world isn’t as hopeless and helpless as I feel it is in that moment. Yet, I
know that telling you doesn’t help and just makes you feel like crap too. What
is worse is that I knew you had school run and that you were likely to be on
your Monday morning costa trip; especially considering that you didn’t have
your Friday one because I was with you.
I know I can’t
help when I fall or when these things happen but I always feel like it is at
the worst possible timing for you. I mean wouldn’t it be nice that it happened
when I know you are at home and just watching tv or sorting dinner out;
anything that could be done whilst I cry down the phone to you.
I know you don’t
mind but I really thought you might get some grief from your friends.
Luckily I
managed to get to standing and go get the boys but I was tired. An hour of
trying to do that and feeling a bit emotionally beaten really took it out on
me.
Once home I
took it easy and rested and done very little. The boys were left to have a
relaxed and easy day; although I am sure they didn’t mind that. Yet, they have
proper been on one today. I am unsure if this is due to lower tolerance due to
my mood, them smelling weakness and playing up or a bit of both.
I did
eventually do some more drawing following your suggestion. Only a couple of
hours ish but I suppose that is better than nothing. I just don’t think I could
do anymore when my heart and mood wasn’t in it.
Despite all
of this, you have had a busy day. I’m not too sure if it has been good but I don’t
think it’s been bad.
You had, as
mentioned above, costa with your friends, sorted out the blow up bed, went to
the job centre, collected your meds, rearranged work from Friday to tomorrow,
made a few phone calls following letters you received, written my letter, sorted
the house and done dinner for the boys. All fantastic and I am proud of you for
doing so much and being so productive!
Even more so
knowing that you have done all of that and still tried to be there for me when
you can.
I do love
that you have been here for me when possible. I couldn’t have asked for more. I
of course would have loved you here next to me, cuddling me and just being my
person in presence but I know we can’t have that yet. One day though.
We are
skipping our tv and chat tonight so I can settle earlier which you agreed with.
I do hope that today can just end and I can wake up tomorrow and pretend that
today hasn’t happened. I, even several hours on from this morning, feel that
this is just the start of a potentially hard week. I do hope that I am wrong.
I have a few
more minutes before I have to go and sort the boys before so I will go and read
the bible verses that you jumped ahead on! Naughty!
I do love you
and I am sorry that I have impacted on your day and made you worry at times.
You have been great and I love you very much. I promise I will try and be better for you tomorrow.
Love you,
Martyn
