Dearest
Hannah,
Day
22 of writing to you and today is the first real day that I haven’t really
wanted to write to you. However, you managed to find to write to me again and
what kind of world would we be in when you can find time and I can’t?
I
am not even too sure what this letter will be like or if it will be very long; I
suppose I am about to find out.
Today
I am tired. Ever so tired and not my standard Martyn tired.
You
know why though; James had a bad night with asthma with the quick turn of the temperature
drop here. It has hit his chest out of nowhere and when it is night time it is especially
worse. He had come into me just before I took my meds last night, crying and
upset and barely being able to breathe.
Lucky
really that I hadn’t taken my meds. I managed to calm him down and he climbed
into bed with me. The problem is that once he is lying next to me you can see
how fragile and weak his breathing actually is. It can, and has been, really
touch and go at times and you have to just wait through the night just in case
it changes to the point where you have to call an ambulance; which, as you
know, has happened a few times before.
Luckily
that wasn’t the case last night but did mean that I went without any sleep at
all; the only bonus is that I had 2 unexpected hours or respite with an earlier
drop off to their mums.
It
must be difficult to hear it and I am sure the first time you hear James like
that you will feel the panic and worry. But, I know you aren’t too sure about
it when we spoke about it this morning.
I
did make time to have a few calls with you this morning. I then made efforts to
push through the day, get my flat semi clean before I have the boys back at the
weekend and still parent and adult where needed. I am though extremely tired
where I have pushed through all of that to now.
As
mentioned above, you have written me a letter today. You have done so much
better with your letters this last week. Almost as many letters in these last 7
days as the entire time; maybe you’re getting into the swing of coming back to
it more. Although, I know you are like this with your other blog.
As
you know from our phone call, that I could see the upset and sadness within the
letter where I think a combination of things are hitting you. You leaving a
school that has been kind to you, your children and that have been a part of
your life for so long. Another reason was the fact that your kids are currently
at their dads; a mix of anxiety and missing them. Then you had the added fact
that you are shutting yourself off from people around you.
You
have mentioned that you are lonely today. I am sorry about that. I feel like I haven’t
given you enough attention on maybe a day when you needed the companionship
that we offer each other. It almost felt though that you have maybe shut me out
whilst doing the same with others. Although we discussed the other sad points
with the letter that we never discussed why you haven’t reached out more,
especially if you had been feeling lonely; isn’t that what we do for each?
I
also had a God moment. A moment inspired by a radio discussion point about
feeling a role was Gods purpose for you. It made me reflect on your situation
with work in the charity shop. I used this though, prayed and called out to God
and asked what there is for me. Several things happened and signs and words
jumped out at me. I had MARTYN and STORE and on wanting clarification in store I
got STORGAE. But, that was it. What I need to store is not clear but I am sure
He will tell me or show me at some point. It was nice being spoken to by Him
but, as always, infuriating to wait and not get a clearer path to follow; we
will see, won’t we.
That
is about it for today and I am not sure if there is anything else to add. I am
sure, as always, that God might share something with us tonight so that might
help.
Well
for something difficult to write I don’t think I have done too badly with over
900 especially with how tired I am feeling. I am sorry that today has been a
sad day for you. I am sure that tomorrow will be better especially as you have
the shop and then the free evening without the kids. It will be a nice blessed
day with the freedom of being able to relax at the end of it. I am always here
for you whenever though. The distance you and I may feel today will be short
lived where our connection is so strong; we always come back to each other
anyway. I will try to be better for you tomorrow though!
I
do really love you and that won’t change by distance, tiredness, sickness or
work.
Love
you,
Martyn