Dearest Hannah
So this is the
second letter for you and I am pleased that I have found the motivation to
write this and continue the way I want to.
Today is a
weird one for me. Last night I went out with my friends at my church group. It
was a weird time for me despite being around people.
I felt quite
apart from you; purposefully separated and independent. It wasn’t something
that I want to repeat because I don’t want to do anything that pushes us
further apart. Everything and anything I do I want it to strengthen us and not
to create further barriers and I do worry that forming situations that push us
apart will undoubtedly create large holes in our relationship. Yet, in the
midst of it all there was one blessing; knowing that, in our special way, I was
coming home to you even if it was just on the phone.
It is, of
course, Friday which meant that I had my late time waking up and I subsequently
missed your call before you went to work. Although I didn’t really have a late
waking up time; I woke up early for a Friday and knew that if I messaged you
that I would fall into the traps of me being left waiting so I stayed clear
from you. To say that it was easy to wake up and realise that I missed it is an
understatement. I knew that I would talk to you, of course I did, it is us and
we always make sure that we have time in the day for each other and I love that
but knowing that I didn’t have the children, no real plan on what I was doing
today other than writing and teaching in the evening meant that I felt a little
lost. Silly, I know. But I have proper longed for you.
What I have
realised though is that this is life now. The way it is and will be. Maybe it
is the stay at home dad thing where I am left indoors without a forward motion
or action like you and that has left me in a kind of limbo. But, I am trying to
think positively at this.
You are doing
something truly amazing and I am so proud of the progress you have made. At one
point you were unsure if you could do more than one day a week for more than 4
hours and yet this week you have done 3 days and almost 15 hours! That, my
love, is impressive and shows how much you have grown to be able to achieve
that!
You do all of
this and still manage to keep you house in order and parent!
The strength
within you is phenomenal and you, as always, inspire me to be more and do more
and maybe break my own barriers with what I am doing!
This is you
though. This is what you do for me. I watch what you’re doing and beam with
pride. You make me want to be a better person and achieve more with my life
even if I am pretty packed out and busy. You bring so much into my life just by
my knowing you and that makes it is difficult not to love and support you.
Yes, of course
I have struggled and I have been left just missing you but that is something I
need to change because you are more than capable to focus on what you have and
what you can do rather than being left consumed by feeling low missing me.
You did phone
me. You sounded sad. I felt like you were sad because you really felt my
absence. You missed the reliability of me being attached to my phone and being,
as our songs say, only one call away. To be purposefully ignoring you and to
allow the space for you to enjoy your work I think made you feel slightly
isolated.
I think you
understood though how I have been feeling all of this week. You understood
first-hand what it felt like to chase a message, to wait for a response or call
and to be left thinking “I know they are busy but I miss having that connection.
I miss having the person who I rely on and don’t really know when they will get
back to me”.
It is okay
though. You have learnt and understood further than before how I felt. I have
managed to go completely against my normal and be free from technology and you;
to just be me and me alone. That, I know as much as you do, is a very difficult
thing for me. I was left with just myself and my thoughts. But, I was doing
okay. Wasn’t quite thriving but it was day 1 of my detox to be better and that
is always a harder day.
But I do think
the combination of how you reconnected and thought about things and how I am
pushing through these really hard moments will do us good as a couple in the
long run.
I made that
call to see if I can start chasing up doing something to support me in the
darker moments. I have even looked online for different work that may be going
on and see if I, like you, can seek employment. I am not sure how it will work
as I have the boys but I was thinking I could do something, even if it was just
on a Friday and Saturday. This, of course, would mean us cancelling our weekend
together once a month and just relying on holidays but if it means that I am
busy and focused and leaving you alone when you need me too then it might be
best anyway. Especially considering you are looking for paid employment and
that is more than likely to happen anyway!
I, as I have
every day, missed the woman that I love. I have missed what we had and still
love what we do manage to get. I love you with all of my heart and you and I
can do this, we can aim for our greater plan, and be together and in a better
place.
Love you,
Martyn
