Dearest Hannah,
Day 9 and to be honest I didn’t think I would
end up writing this letter but I knew that I had to even if it was to not break
my writing streak!
Today has been hard just like yesterday
was. I really didn’t want it to be this tough but it is. I wanted to be all bright,
shiny and happy for you but I wasn’t.
It is weird because I can’t exactly
pinpoint why I feel like I do. There are, of course, a few things that I am
feeling but equally nothing that feels like a specific trigger for it.
You mentioned last night in your letter
that we seem to take it in turns and that is very true. It is either me or you;
which is quite lucky as I am sure it would be difficult if it was both of us!
The thing I don’t want is to be a chore
or frustrating.
I worry that as we are so far away from
each other that the thought of me having a day that I am struggling is
frustrating for you. I worry that it is difficult for you to deal with. I know
that I can be hard work at times and I can often get caught up in things with
my mental health that make it harder. Yet, you are wonderful, caring and lovely
that you do all you can to support me but I worry that you will be frustrated
and fed up if I end up having another low day. I doubt very much that you will
be but the worry of “Oh, he is being such a downer at the moment and there is
little I can do. It is getting me down that he can’t go back to happy Martyn,
the man I love” is still there in my thoughts.
The thing is I can pinpoint two very
clear things: 1, I am missing you, a lot. 2, I can feel a lot of my dpd
involved in my day.
I don’t know why or where the sudden
pang of missing you to this degree has come from. Yet, I have woken twice now
feeling your absence massively. Yet, I know there isn’t a lot that either of us
can do about it. You are there, I am here and we have to just plod on with our
day. I am missing that connection we have, the way we fit with each other, your
laugh, the way you smile and and your eyes light up and I miss the way your
hand feels on mine.
Yet, my worries, fears and traits seem
to be prevalent. The worries I get when my dpd is flaring which would also
explain all the other factors that I am having too. I have no idea why or how they
would be triggered but it definitely feels like a flare up!
I know this isn’t what you want to hear
or read but you know that I am always honest with you.
You have been great, especially today,
with me. You have been only a text or a call away to support me despite all of
the above and I do truly love you for that. I just get how frustrating it is
and when you are feeling good and having a good week.
I was reminded last night at church
group that we all have our cross to bear and some have a harder life ahead of
them than others. I do, in some ways, find comfort in that. Mostly as God said
He would never give any one person more than they can deal with; so this must
be something positive of my character and strength. I just wish the switch
could click, this could disappear and I could go back to the way I have been. I
might be able to bear these problems but I really don’t want them today or
tomorrow for that.
I do know it will pass, it always does,
and I will feel better and more like me again. Just need to ride it out and
maybe not concentrate or talk about it as much.
What I have realised today though is
that your mood has changed and somewhat because of me. I don’t want you being
affected like I am when I am like this! I want you to enjoy the good you have
done and experienced this week and be happy!
I have been so proud of all that you
have done this week. Going into work when you didn’t feel like it, challenging
your issues with what you were eating, create and help with the kid’s homework,
enjoy spending time with the kids whilst having fun, get on top of your
housework and cleaning and to have a clear goal for meal planning. All of this
and still being an amazing mum and partner; I couldn’t be more happy and proud
of you!
It is only a few more days until I am
down and I am really hoping that my mood shifts, your mood is good and we can
have a fantastic few days together and revel in the small amount of time that
we have.
I do love you so much. This long
distance thing is hard, on both of us at times, but it is all for the good long
term; we do have that long term goal and a very happy future ahead and I wouldn’t
do anything to jeopardise that future.
You asked earlier if it was too much for
me. I think you worry about me in this scenario, which, if reversed, I would be
the same. But I don’t want you thinking that it would be better for me, or a
kindness, without you and without this distance because I am going through this
with the hope of us this time next year. Harder days and weeks will happen but
these things will change and we are still perfect for each other.
I love you and I miss you. Thank you for
being amazing, loving, understanding and supportive. You still are my God given
gift.
Love you,
Martyn