Dearest
Hannah,
Day 11 and am
still going at this; today I am tired so am lacking a little motivation to sit
here and do this but I also know that I would regret not doing one if I did.
What a weird
24 hours for us.
Last night we
had our TV and phone chat planned. We were planning on watching Eastenders and
then the first of the two Masterchef. However, that didn’t happen. Instead A
was playing up and the once great bedtime routine that meant you were free at
8.30pm had vanished and he was in your bed and didn’t want you to leave. Laying
in the dark with him and the inevitable happened, you fell asleep.
I sat here
waiting and each time I was giving reasons to why you were running late. “A must be running late and playing up but
am sure she will be here at 9pm” or “Well
it’s gone 9pm but I won’t move. Knowing my luck she will call the moment I got
up and walked out of the room”. It was easy to do but within that I ended
up waiting in the dark and cold for over 2 hours for you to call. I must admit,
as I did when we finally spoke, that I knew once it had gone past 9pm that the
likelihood is that you had probably had a rough time with him and your efforts
to get him to sleep meant that you had fallen asleep too.
It was okay
though. I wasn’t cross with you and you didn’t let me down by it happening. I
did and still do understand how and why it happened so can’t be cross or
begrudge you in that scenario. If anything I think you were more cross with
yourself than I was or would have been!
The thing is,
from this we had a lengthy conversation about our behaviour and specifically
mine. You were very clear and sounded the most confident when you said that you
wished I had just done my own thing and got on and not waited. I, as you know,
took this quite hard. I thought what I was doing at that time was the right
thing to do and within that would revel in the moment you do make contact; as
that is usually the case. I felt that once again, my dpd and what makes me
different was a really unhealthy thing and that, if anything, this is what
would do us most damage. I knew you did similar things but I don’t think that I
thought you actually waited for me or that you thought that you were as “bad”
as me.
Then today
happened.
I honestly
woke up ok. Not great sleep and still tired so wasn’t in base Mary Poppins mood
but was plodding along. I had in my head though what you said the night before
and I was determined to throw myself into my activities today. To put my phone
down, walk away a bit and come back to you, the way you come back to me and not
wait. And I did this.
I told you
how I woke up and sent a second message that I was collecting the boys and wouldn’t
be around until I got to church. Then I turned my internet off and went to do
those things. When I eventually got to church I turned my internet on and
replied a couple of times until the service had started and at that point, I
turned my internet off.
What I didn’t
realise though until after and by reading your letter that you had felt exactly
what I did and do. You knew exactly what I was doing and knew that I was trying
to be proactive and creating healthy situations for both of us. Yet, you were
doing everything I did the night before that you declared unhealthy like
waiting frustratingly, checking messages to see when I was last online or if I
had read the ones you had sent and even went a little further by checking all
social media in case I had been purposefully ignoring you and chatting to
others; even though you know I would never do that!
You realised
this and spoke about it in your letter. It is funny how we both have done the
same thing. I am not sure if this is good or bad still and we have spoken about
it since. What is clear is that you fully get and understand what I felt like
in those moments.
When we spoke
later on I think we came to a positive conclusion though and you and I both
sounded happier.
The thing is
that neither of us, in our “productive” moments, purposefully ignores the other,
we both think of the other and miss them and yet, one of us ends up in the
waiting room scenario and feels like crap without the other.
Today’s
reading at church was Romans 14 v 1 – 12 and I found it really relevant to us.
We both seem to be quick to judge the others actions, both good and bad, and
say how that impacts us. Yet, the reading says that we shouldn’t be the ones to
judge as there is only one judge, Him. It also says that we shouldn’t judge
ourselves because we are doing something different to the other, or anyone, as we
are in it all together and God loves us the way we are. What I liked was the
part “One man judges one day as
above another; another judges one day the same as all others; let each one be
fully convinced in his own mind.…… 12 So, then, each of us will render an account for himself
to God” which means that
every day will be different for each of us and we shouldn’t worry too much because
God is the accountable one. In fact, when I write it like that I remember a
phrase that my mum always said, which I know you have heard me say before, “Every
day, only once” Each day, good or bad, we only live once.
What we both came to the conclusion of though is that we shouldn’t
try and change too much about each other. We love each other for who the other
is, including certain traits. Yet, these last 24 hours have been a lesson for
us and I don’t think either of us will try to be too quick to jump back to this
scenario. I have promised to try better situational judgement and to not just “wait”
for long periods of time. I will always wait for you, it is what I do and is
part of me but I won’t just wait for extensive times anymore. You have said
that you will try to be more patient and understanding with what I might say in
those scenarios and not fall back to thinking I’m implying things. We did speak
about the contrast on days you know I am here for you compared to those I am
not and although I don’t expect you or want you to change in those scenarios
that I think it would benefit us both if we knew why those behavioural traits
were there then.
I suppose today’s letter is long and probably repetitive
to what we have been speaking about; despite my massive efforts to reduce and
summarise our emotionally packed out 24 hours. I hope I summarised it well!
What is clear though is that this is a sub-section to our
long distance relationship and things like this probably wouldn’t happen if we
lived together or even just closer. I think that it why it should be recorded
in a letter like this; it will show a progression of our relationship, good and
bad, and allow us to grow stronger together. Every couple would go through
transitional bumps in the road and navigate through it and I see that this is
no different.
What I will do though is end on a high and will discuss
why we are doing this.
We love each other and do so with great vigour. We have
this unbelievable connection that just keeps on growing in all areas, spiritually,
physically, sexually and personally through morals, values and personality. I
have never known anything like the connection we have and one day we will have
this strong future based on this connection and be side by side. In fact, we
will have another sneak peak in 4 sleeps.
I truly love you with every inch of my body, mind and
soul. Just your existence in my life brightens the darkest depths that follow
me.
Love you,
Martyn
